Tag Archives: meta

Quick update: My work, elsewhere

Hi, readers! I know I’ve been neglecting ye olde blog (and hopefully I will start to do better on the whole “updating it regularly” thing soon!), but I wanted to draw your attention to a couple of things in which I have been involved lately:

Last week, I wrote a guest post for Tiger Beatdown on Lars von Trier’s 2009 film Antichrist, and how it relates to the pop cultural depiction (or lack thereof) of depression and pain, women and emotion, plus the unintended backlash that the expectation of “strong lady characters” has wrought. Go and join the discussion if you feel so inclined. Content warning for discussions of some graphic violence that the film depicts.

s.e. smith and I recently wrote an article (on disability culture on the internets and online feminism, naturally) for the latest print issue of Bitch Magazine, which is currently available for purchase or download. I also did the illustrations, which is kind of (read: EXTREMELY) exciting for me. We were interviewed at length by Kjerstin for the Bitch Radio podcast as well. Hooray!

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More makeup blogging, I guess

[Image of Annaham, a young white woman with dark blond hair (worn in a bun) and blue eyes, sitting on a couch, wearing bright blue/teal eyeshadow that is exaggeratedly painted above her eyelids, nude-pink lipstick, and an orange scarf with white polka dots. She is looking up at something above the frame with a bemused expression.]

YET ANOTHER RIDICULOUS PHOTO OF YOURS TRULY, WITH MAKEUP.

This time, it’s Urban Decay’s Painkiller eyeshadow, available in the Show Pony Shadow Box (an excellent palette that has some good neutrals AND some lovely brighter colors; review from Temptalia here); Peace (from the Deluxe Shadow line, of which there is an entire palette, which I highly recommend if you want to try a lot of bright colors but are on a budget) is a fairly close dupe, although it’s a little more true blue than Painkiller. Lipstick (not really visible in this photo, but oh well) is MAC’s Sheen Supreme in Impressive (reviews and swatches); it’s a nice pink-nude color with a texture that is quite moisturizing on the lips, if you go for that sort of thing. Many lipsticks tend to be too drying for my lips, which probably explains why I have a lip gloss collection in the double-digits and (maybe) five or six lipsticks in total.

There are some people who believe that bright eyeshadows draw too much attention to the wearer and so should not be used, or should be used sparingly. You can probably guess why I think that is a load of hooey. This isn’t true for everybody, of course, but if some jackass is going to stare at me because I am moving through the world while being disabled and a woman and such, I might as well go out on some days with my bright eyeshadow on because it enhances something that I like about my appearance (that would be my eyes, for the curious), and I am thus less likely to care if some douche thinks I shouldn’t be out in public, or wants to ask me about my cane, or something.

Does this work every time? Nope. But some days, it keeps me from going over the edge or down a spiral of awful self-esteem (which has been a problem ever since I can remember) and, at times, very actively disliking myself. Sometimes, it’s the little things that get you through. Not always, but sometimes. I have had issues with my appearance for a long time, and wearing colorful makeup every so often has (weirdly) helped me move past some of these issues, or at least has shown me that I can (and do, even when I’m not wearing makeup) look fabulous. I was convinced for a long time that my face was weird-looking. Thanks in part to experimenting with bright makeup, I don’t feel that way anymore. I may not be conventionally “attractive,” but that is totally cool with me.

I probably should be wearing eyeliner or mascara here to make things look more “finished,” but it was pretty hot outside and I wanted to minimize time spent getting the makeup off my face after I was finished wearing it (and when I wash makeup off, it tends to run down the side of my goddamn face as well. AWESOME).

[Originally posted on Tumblr]

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Writing: Not that easy

There seems to be a pretty popular misconception — not just limited to the internet, by the way — that writing is somehow “easy” to do.

Good ideas, and good writing, do not just spring fully-formed like Athena from the mind of Zeus. Like many things worth doing, writing is a process. I used to be a writing tutor for undergrad students, and one of the things that countless students expressed to me was their shock that writing was hard work, and that most of the time, one could not “just” write a paper in a single sitting and expect to get a perfect grade.

I cannot tell you how many times I have written half-drafts of papers, or opinion pieces, or short essays, or blog posts, and either ended up doing away with them altogether or substantially changing them multiple times. Most of the writing of which I am most proud — not all of which I have posted online — has taken quite a bit of time, research, and energy to put together. I write things down in a notebook most of the time as part of my working-through-ideas “process” (if you want to call it that), but often these scribblings do not at all resemble the final product. Hell, I have bits sitting in my blog queue that are in constant need of expansion or revision; though I tend to complete pieces once I start them, there are times when I just cannot find a good ending for certain pieces, and they end up sitting around unused for weeks or months.

On occasion, I don’t use posts or pieces at all, or post them. There are some pieces of writing that are beneficial for the writer, but I may have reservations about exposing them to an audience. Or I may have trouble saying what I actually want to say in plain and easily-understandable language — in the past, this has ended up saving me from posting some real crap and some not-even-half-baked ideas.

The fact that writing can be very difficult is not a personal failing. A large percentage of my former students seemed to think it was — that if their ideas did not emerge brilliantly and painlessly the first time, then these ideas were not worth expressing at all. Utilizing the written word is a skill, not an innate talent. There is no formula for a “great” piece of writing, or post, or essay. If someone finds hirself sitting and trying, straining to write, grumbling, “Why is this so hard?” — well, that can be the nature of the process. It can be fickle, and it is almost never “easy” in the traditional sense.

[Originally posted on my Tumblr.]

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Balancing Act

[Cross-posted from my Tumblr, which features a lot of things–like, for example, pictures of puppies and YouTube videos of Tori Amos–other than blog posts. Edited for clarity and bizarre sentence syntax, and expanded a little bit. Please try to follow the comments policy.]

This is probably going to sound scattered and weird and nonsensical in parts (I am supertired and tried to take a nap earlier, which did not happen). I would not be surprised if I lost some readers over this. I may regret posting this later. However: It’s important, and it is worth noting that this post is not meant to address one person or group of people in particular, because there have been, actually, several fairly recent incidents (again, spoiler alert, SEVERAL!) that have inspired this post.

I have a major Thing with being told that I am excluding other people, letting them down, and/or not taking them and their needs into consideration enough, both because I know from experience what it is like to be actively excluded in a painful, gross manner (thank you, mainstream U.S. feminism!) and because I have some Personal Issues with codependency (which used to be a hell of a lot worse). And yes, telling people that that they are being exclusionary/inconsiderate can be very useful at times, so my point is not to say that you should never tell anyone that they are excluding you (I mean, look at what happened with the Evelyn Evelyn thing in part because of my inability to shut up and my general verbosity!). And I know it’s going to sound like I am making it All About Me, which I do not want to do, but there are times when you have to put things on the table to make them clear, or at least intelligible. Or something. I don’t talk about my history of major codependency issues very publicly, mostly because I am concerned that a.) it will sound whiny or like I am trying to excuse the times that I have screwed up (of which there have been MANY, by the way, and since I am not perfect, these times will continue!) or b.) showing more vulnerability than I have in the past will just give trolls more ammo.

I just don’t know how to balance my own need for a “safe space” as a disabled woman on the internet with demands that I cover x issue, that I need to work more on y,  people saying that I am not focusing on the right things, or not working hard enough or jumping high and gleefully enough through some rather arbitrary hoops that have been put up, or that I am excluding people. But sometimes there are comments that I do not let through because they make me feel…just off, or they make my pulse go up a notch (is that a trigger sign?). This is not anyone’s fault, of course. I am inclined to blame myself and say stop it, you are being oversensitive. And feedback is something that I find useful. But I have spent years of my life doing many, many things and taking the shit for other people without also considering myself or taking care of myself, and it did not get me much other than chronic pain (I don’t know for a fact that my pain has been caused by this alone, but I’m pretty sure it was a contributing factor).

Here’s my major point: There is more than one way to be a feminist. There is more than one way to be a PWD. In one area of my life, I am attempting to (though not succeeding?) help make a space for as many people as possible while also doing my best. I know that neither intent nor effort “excuse” in any way what actually comes out or happens. There’s got to be a method that respects the many disabilities and the many feminisms out there without placing an unfair burden on any of the parties involved. I don’t know what that method is. Things will collide. Misunderstandings will occur. I am not adverse to this, but what I am adverse to are insinuations that I am not working hard enough, or that I am letting our community down (please remember, I am just one person!), among other things.

Other major point: You don’t know. There are a lot of things that I do not talk about on my blog, for various reasons (including, ya know, privacy reasons). There are a lot of things that you don’t know. There are a lot of facets of my experience that you cannot or do not see.

I am working. You might not just be able to see it, or I may not choose to give you all of the details.

I am listening. Maybe a little too hard.

I am trying to take other peoples’ needs into consideration and work things out, more than they will ever know.

And it’s fucking trite and cliched to say this, but: I am a person, too.

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