Rating Holiday Albums Based on the Covers, part 1 (UPDATED)

A couple of years ago, I posted a bunch of images of holiday album covers on my Livejournal and attempted to make humorous comments about said images. Like obnoxious Salvation Army bell-ringers (and yes, that organization really is obnoxious, although I suppose one could just go with “noxious”) and insulting advertisements that pressure us–even in horrible economic times–to SPEND SPEND SPEND in order to show people that we really love them, holiday albums seem to be one of the more irritating (or hilarious) mainstays of the winter season in North America. There are many reasons as to why I find the holiday season ridiculous. This is just one of them. So, without further ado, I present “Rating Holiday Albums Based on the Covers,” now updated to include some holiday-themed albums released since mid-2008.

I got most of these images from music communities on Livejournal, because people on these communities seem to love holiday music. Good for them (also good for me, since I get to make a post like this).

Portions of the original post have been edited substantially, mostly to re-do repetitive jokes and fix some language and grammar issues.

Onward!

Cover of 98 Degrees' album "This Christmas," depicting four young men standing in front of a festive red background.

Could anything be less appealing than what looks like a J. Crew ad in record form? Let’s not forget to tell Nick Lachey to stay out of it.Cover of Aimee Mann's album "One More Drifter in the Snow," which depicts a white woman sitting on a plastic reindeer in an outdoor environment.I kind of love this one. Probably because of the plastic reindeer and also the font used.

Cover of The Carpenters' "Christmas Portrait," depicting an illustrated image of Santa Claus paiting a portrait of Richard and Karen Carpenter as an elf holds a paint pallette.

AHHHHHHH!!

Cover of Jessica Simpson's album "Rejoyce: The Christmas Album," which depicts a tan white woman with blond hair staring at the camera in front of a red background.

It’s beginning to look a lot like spray tan. . .oh, I mean Christmas.

Cover of Christina Aguilera's "My Kind of Christmas," depicting the singer standing in front of a plain wall while wearing a black crop top. The image is sepia-toned.

I don’t think the sepia tone nor the tank top that C. Ag is sporting here are particularly winter-appropriate.

Cover of Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers' album "Once Upon a Christmas," which depicts Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers smiling while surrounded by a large Christmas wreath. They stand next to a reindeer with large antlers.

Based upon the cover alone, I must listen to this album at some point. God, this is a brilliant album cover. It’s so deliriously terrible.

Cover of Mannheim Steamroller's album "Christmas," which shows a painting of a decorated, soft-focus holiday tree in dim light.

This looks like one of those bizarre ads that the Bradford Exchange puts on the back of Parade Magazine every Sunday.

Cover of Mannhein Steamroller's album "Christmas in the Aire," which depicts a snow-covered fir tree in an outdoor environment.

It’s the first Christmas tree ever constructed solely from bat dung!

Cover of Billy Idol's album "Happy Holidays: A Very Special Christmas," which depicts a be-suited Billy Idol singing into a microphone and pointing at something out-of-frame.

God, Billy Idol looks more like a skeevy lounge singer than ever before. I wonder if someone can talk him into doing a Christmas album with Scott Weiland. [Edit: I got my wish, sort of! See below.]

Cover of Aly and AJ's "Acoustic Hearts of Winter," which depicts two blond women relaxing in a wintry environment.

Somehow, I am reminded of the White Witch from The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe.

Cover of Girls Aloud's album "Chemistry," which depicts four women in a kitchen environment wrapping gifts, placing a gift beneath a large tree, eating a cookie from a cookie sheet, and preparing a turkey, respectively.I am pretty sure that there is a Gender Studies dissertation just WAITING to be written about this cover.

Cover of Jackie Evancho's album "Heavenly Christmas," depicting a young blond girl wearing a festive dress sitting beneath what appears to be a large wreath.

No 11-year old with whom I have ever come into contact has had posture this good. Maybe Jackie Evancho is just that bad-ass, though.

Cover of Mariah Carey's second (!!) Christmas album, which depicts Carey sitting in an outdoor environment amongst holiday decorations while wearing a red dress with white fur trim.

If Mariah Carey’s album covers were as interesting and polished as her voice is, her second (!) holiday album would not be on this list. C’est la vie.

Cover of Tori Amos's album "Midwinter Graces," depicting Amos floating in the sky while wearing a long sleeveless dress.

Call me a Tori Amos fandom Luddite, but I vastly prefer the album covers of hers that prominently feature things like mud, firearms, and dead chickens rather than someone getting over-enthusiastic about CG. Check some of the inner booklet art, too:

Image of Tori Amos, wearing some kind of very shiny red dress with a huge circular collar, leaning over a sleeping angel while hoisting a lantern

Tori’s outfit looks like something that you would see in an early-1980s David Cronenberg film, and I think this is a major improvement over the cover of Midwinter Graces for that exact reason.

Cover of Scott Weiland's album "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year," depicting Weiland standing in front of a dark background while smiling and wearing a collared shirt, tie, vest and fedora.

WEILAND, WHAT HAPPENED HERE. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU JUST STEPPED OUT OF A BANANA REPUBLIC HOLIDAY AD. HONESTLY.

Part two will be posted soon. Until then, feel free to post your favorite (or least favorite) holiday album covers in the comments.

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3 thoughts on “Rating Holiday Albums Based on the Covers, part 1 (UPDATED)

  1. Melissa says:

    This is brilliant! :D

  2. Chally says:

    Ahahaha, hilarity. Have a very lovely holiday, Ms Annaham.

  3. [...] ham blog now internet-(in)famous! « Rating Holiday Albums Based on the Covers, part 1 (UPDATED) [...]

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